10:34am
I had a counseling session today. My homework is to find a list of activities that fills my battery back up, that gives me joy and excitement… That gave me anxiety, because I don’t know. Most activities relaxes me so much I get sleepy. Does that mean it’s not something I enjoy? I mean lets step back and rethink that. Any activity, done extensively will cognitively or physically tire you out right? I’m just over thinking.
She said folks who have cognitive demanding jobs (like mine) may require physical activity to relax. And a lot of the activities that I gravitate towards are definitely not physical (puzzles, drawing, playing games…) or seasonal (putting up my Christmas tree, lights and decorations). I don’t think there is anything wrong with that but exercising regularly is a habit I want to form anyways… but ugh, exercising is such a struggle for me.
She said something interesting, or rather, she reminded me that when starting a new habit (or learning), there will be growing pains. You will be unsettled, uncomfortable, feel a little anxiety, a little stress, a bit of resistance… That’s what I go through when I think of exercising. But she said once you develop a habit of exercising, you may come to crave the endorphins that it gives you. And also…
That gave me an aha moment as to why I’m feeling distracted or sleepy every few minutes into learning digital art. Growing pains. I get distracted easily because I’m uncomfortable with the growing pains. When I’m following along with these digital art tutorials, I’m listening to someone and learning how to use the software program first (Procreate). I’m not actually doing the fun part (drawing whatever you want) because I don’t know how to use the software or know the basic techniques that allows me to draw whatever I want. Okay so I can rule out “maybe it’s too boring” part for now. I was on the verge of quitting without pushing through the growing pains first.
Another thing that I need to work on is focusing on the now. I’m sure you have thoughts where you think 20 steps ahead and worry about all the things that could go wrong 20 steps ahead and it hasn’t even happened yet. Or simply worrying about the unknowns.
I noticed that I feel slightly anxious and slightly melancholic around late afternoon ~4pm, consistently. Maybe it’s because it signifies the end of the day and I’m feeling sad. Or maybe I’m thinking ahead to my unpleasant nightly “chores”, which are to groom my dog and myself (brushing and cleaning before bed). Or maybe I’m thinking ahead and feeling sad that my vacation is now a day shorter. Or maybe I’m thinking ahead and feeling anxious going back to work.
I sometimes, don’t even know why I’m feeling anxious. My therapist says this could be my baseline anxiety, since my anxiety started as a child. That I’m always feeling just slightly anxious, but on times I don’t is because I’m distracted.
Supposedly, when you’re just not sure, meditating and training myself to be in the present moment can help… and how do you do that? *cue anxiety*
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