7:02am
I’m feeling anxious and I can’t pinpoint why. I was dragging my feet all morning, even after a shower. Best to describe how I was feeling is “blah”. I still am PMSing and my breast is tender. I never really paid too much attention to how long I have PMS, other than when I’m experiencing it. I think It lasts until I start my period, which would mean about 1-2 weeks? Wait a minute, does that mean I feel like crap half of the time?
Last night, I went to bed feeling anxious. I consistently start to feel anxious around 4pm in the evening. I found that I feel better after I did my nightly chores. But yesterday, I didn’t really feel better. I do get the “Sunday Scaries” and it felt like the Sunday scaries… even though I had no work. I think I’m worrying about going back to work even though I still got around 3 weeks left of vacation. I’m worried that I’m not making much mental improvement (which was why I took a break). I’m feeling guilty that I’m not doing more productive things while on break… Did I make any progress at all last week? I think since my vacation started, this has been the most anxious I’ve felt.
I realized as I was in bed, that I don’t have solid tools to battle my anxiety. Which started the negative thoughts like: “I’m not making progress at all”, “Is my therapist any good?”, “It’s because I’m playing too much and not doing more productive things”, “What if I don’t improve at all before work starts?”… I was trying to rack my brain to calm my thoughts down, but I had no tools…
Because of my lack of tools, I looked through audible to listen to books about anxiety. For some reason, listening to others talk about anxiety calms me down a bit. Maybe it’s because it distracts me from my negative thoughts. Maybe it helps me understand myself better. Maybe it’s the hope of “perhaps this person (book) has something that can help me”. My therapist told me that whenever I get anxious, without being able to pinpoint the why, focus on the now or meditate. But I didn’t know HOW…
This book mentioned meditation (and science backed research). So I purchased it: Unwinding Anxiety by Judson Brewer. I’m only on chapter 3, and we haven’t gotten to learning the tools yet, so I can’t say much about it. What I immediately liked about this book though, is that the author mentions different TYPES of anxiety, one of which I related to. Feeling hopeful.
Days 6 and 7 were skipped because I just didn’t make the time for blogging. It was the weekend where I hosted my nieces slumber party (with my sister). However, I am consistently waking up around 5-5:30am (though one of those days I might’ve went to nap on the couch right afterwards).
My sleeping schedule still makes me a bit restless during the night, but I’m feeling hopeful this week.
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